NEW VERSION UNLOCKED!

I believe my life hits a reset button at least twice a year. At the beginning, and nearing the end. We're almost at the end of 2022 and it has been no different from the years prior. I've hit reset - for the umpteenth time.
And to be honest, I'm not sad about it. I feel like there is a lot more to life that I have to learn and understand before this can be a thing of the past. Every year there are new experiences, and with new experiences, I discover new layers of myself. Sometimes layers I have to shed. And there are new lessons that I have to appreciate and apply to move forward. But sometimes, too often than I'd appreciate, moving forward means starting over. Especially in instances where the foundation of where you are, was built on something/someone (usually a version of yourself) you have to let go.
This perspective came in hindsight though.

The restarting norm has taken a toll on me over the years. I kept feeling like I'm getting too old to keep starting over like this. Like how many fresh starts can one have? What's the duration of the trial period for learning how to not be defeated by the aggressive, relentless punches of life? Why am I a 27-year-old still failing to 'gather moss'? Every time I tell myself "okay, well it really can't get worse than this. It can only be UP FROM HERE", life says "LOL, you gan learn today! Brace yourself lil mama". I got so tired of it. Everytime I feel like I'm making headway, some shit happens that throws me off course. And this year felt like the year I was going to give up. Not too long ago, I had the heavy burden of thoughts that took me to a really dark place. A place where resounding voices kept chanting "you know where peace is".

I said "SHIT, this feels like rock bottom Gabriella". Cause how can the only thing keeping me alive is sympathy for my mother, who cannot afford funeral expenses? That's crazy. I had a series of traumatic discoveries, month after month, for 6 consecutive months. Punch after punch. Didn't give me the time to prepare for the next. So on the sixth punch, I was counted out. Knock the fack out.

Temporarily though. Cause I'm still here. I realised that it was high time I opened up to someone to share some of the burdens that I have been trying to carry with grace. I liked to be in control of how people view me, in control of what they know about me, secluding things about me that may foil the narrative I thought I wouldn't be able to live with. That felt like the right thing to do because, well, people are people.

But this time around, I really needed to rip the gloves, the mask, the bandages - everything, OFF. And just allow myself to let it all out and be weak and vulnerable and soft and share that load.
WHEW! IT FELT SO GOOD. Damn, I think it saved me. I was careful with who I picked to share my life with (except for one girl who I already heard went back and shared unnecessary things I uttered to her. Lapse in judgment on my part). But the others, they have been so helpful and such a great support system to me - even now when I'm feeling a bit better. In a later blog, I may mention their names with their permission. They spoke some life into me, and gave me a fresh perspective.

A perspective I'd like to dub "NEW VERSION UNLOCKED". You know how in video games they say "New level unlocked"? It's the same game, but with better resources, more exciting challenges and adventures, upgraded features - weird to compare my life with video games, but you get it, right?
One thing I've prided myself in over the years is my resilience. I always call myself "the bounce back queen". But this year's experiences made me realise that I don't want to "bounce back''. That would mean I have to be knocked out again. I want to be perdurable! I want to take the punches and be so indestructible that even with the punches, I can still see reason to stay in the ring and fight back.

In less metaphoric lines, despite the setbacks, I should not be derailed. I should not lose sight of my personal goals. I should not want to give up everything. I should not stand in my own way. I should be able to endure the trauma and appreciate all that I have been able to do despite it, and keep pressing on.

I want to be that version of me. I want to be focused and adamantly seek out a happy successful life. Yes, things will happen that will make me sad, make me cry (I cry for everything), but I shouldn't allow those things to control me and how I react to them. I shouldn't allow them to continuously throw me off course. I do not want to be a servant to my emotions. So the version of me I've made peace with and let go, is the version who isn't in control of her life and choices. The version who has been captive to circumstances that were beyond her control.

This is the latest version of me that I have photographed professionally, and it is my favourite photo of 2022!

Say hello to this new version! The version who is aware of what the problem has been, and is taking steps to rid it. NEW VERSION UNLOCKED. And I love it here already!I mean for my blogs to be transparent and intimate. So things I post here will be about my life, experiences, lessons, takeaways, humour - call it my digital diary if you may. And I hope you can relate to it in some shape or form.