But, I CAN FEEL IT!

I've been sitting on this blog for a while because I haven't quite sorted my thoughts to make it make sense. 

But even though I'm still in a slightly confusing state, for the sake of being consistent, I'll attempt to express the little I've unraveled and update you at a later date when I've completely sorted my confusion. 

I titled this 'But, I CAN FEEL IT' because that is what I've been telling everyone who tries to talk me out of the self-loathing mindset I keep finding myself in. From my last blog post I opened up a bit and shared that I haven't been doing so well emotionally.

And even though I've been improving, there are still bad days. There are extreme highs AND extreme lows. There are random, unpredictable, triggers that send me as far as 20 years back sometimes. 

But to my point… 

You know, so many times people would say that your mind (how and what you think) is what ultimately controls you, how you act, how you feel, how you respond/react to situations. And for some time I convinced myself that that is true, until the time to practice came. 

I, myself have been preaching to others that how you view yourself is what is most important and be sure to have positive thoughts, always, to feel good about yourself and help yourself pull through whatever is it you're experiencing.  

I still think that is good advice, to think positive, but I must now factor it "Yes, I understand that. BUT I CAN FEEL IT", cause I have felt it! I still feel it. And I think more people need to acknowledge that regardless of how or what you think, YOU FEEL!

Have you ever been through emotional pain/trauma that you physically felt?? You're laying on your bed, losing all will to live, feeling like something is pressing you down, can't move a muscle, body numb, tears flowing down, you have work to do but you can't move?? 

And in that moment, thinking "I am strong, I am beautiful, I am brilliant, I am talented", and all those positive affirmations your therapist/or the motivational speakers at the seminars told you to write on your mirror to remind yourself daily, was that enough to pull you off of your bed?? Was that enough to make the pain stop and keep you going? 

I can't speak for you, but so many times I felt pathetic for even believing that I can just think my way out of the chest-crushing pain I feel, and the tears that I can't stop from flowing out my eyes. 

I can go on and on about this, but I think I've spewed enough sadness. I'm 27, and I feel like I still don't quite understand the world, and PEOPLE, mostly people, and then there is myself that I'm still trying to understand.  

However, 3 things I've learned through all of this thus far are:

1. I have to be patient with myself and allow myself to feel through the process

I've had to acknowledge that regardless of the fact that I think highly of yourself, pain is pain, and I can feel it! Instead of attempting to ignore the pain, or using substances to help numb it. When I have to cry, I cry. Sometimes, I cry for days before I smile again. But as much as I want the feeling to fade away quickly so I can move on with life, I've had to remind myself that healing is not something I can rush, otherwise I can relapse and then next year I'll be here again. 

2. I have to be practical in my healing process, thinking alone doesn't work for me 

Affirmation without action is pointless. I have to THINK and DO. Some of my recurring positive thoughts are simply " It's okay, I'll be okay; I'm gorgeous; I'm smart; I have a massive network; there are people who care; I'm talented; I have a beautiful voice; I can do all things through Christ except settle for less", among so many other things, depending on how I'm feeling and what I need to be reminded of in the affirming moment. And the DO to those thoughts, are showing and proving myself, to myself, that I am actually all those things. 

3. I've grounded my thinking in "My healing is priority and personal"

Having so much to do can overwhelm you, especially if you're not at a good place. So I had to put myself first, and not try to do it all when I know I'm at a breaking point. My process is personal and it's not something I have to demonstrate or owe explanation to the public. What has been beating me up is knowing that the public has expectations and if I don't show up, if I don't deliver, they'll lose interest and not take me seriously, especially when it comes to my professional life, and personal advocacy, and the conclusion everyone will make when I'm not consistent. But I've found so much peace in continuously telling myself, FRIG WHAT PEOPLE THINK! I have to do what I have to do to get where I want to be, even if it means taking hiatuses and not showing up. I have to show up for me, I am priority. So the things that make me feel good, are the things I do first. I have to fix me first before I'm able to show up for anyone else. 

Now I'm at point where I may appear disconnected from things, people and spaces where I should be commanding, but it's ME TIME right now, and I'm okay with that. I'm working on things one by one, to myself, with myself, celebrating small wins, confronting my past, crying through my nights, sticking to me schedule, completing my to-do lists, identifying my genuine friends, and planning for my full blown comeback. I wouldn't prematurely jump off the cliff, knowing my eagle wings are damaged.

This is me indirectly saying, cut me some slack, I'll soar eventually... In the interim, limp with me.

Disclaimer: these aren't expert opinions, these are my opinions based on my life and experiences. You do not have to agree.